i’m awkward
My aunt just put this picture up on FB and I had to steal it because god damn i am that girl.
While other people are having conversations and laughing it up you can always count on me to be hanging out with whatever pet they have. If the pet doesn’t really want to hang out you can bet your ass that I’ll chase that bitch around so I don’t have to awkwardly explain to people what I do. I don’t do small talk, I’m not that interesting and mostly when people are talking I don’t even know what they’re talking about. I don’t watch the news. If I am reading the headlines on yahoo and click the link I immediately click off if that thing is more than 3 paragraphs. I don’t have time to know what’s happening EVERYWHERE. I do know what celebrity is dating who, what movie they’re working on and their social security numbers.
Then you start talking to someone and they want to talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they did last week. There are a few people who are an exception to this rule and you probably know who you are but for the most part I don’t like kids. I have a few and they have their good moments but uh, they can move out anytime.
Also I have like 26 jobs, which job am I supposed to talk about when Im asked what I do? I don’t want to run down the list of shit so I mainly just say I am a full time corner sitter. Not like a sexy time one but like the lady who sits on old milk crates and holds a sign that says “BROKE. Need money for a trip to get away from my kids for a week”. The truth is most people don’t get that because they’re so happy being painfully normal that saying to anyone outloud that your kids are turds is a sin.
I don’t think people get me and I hate tripping over my words so I’ll just stick with what I know.
(i own this painting and it’s awesome)
A Magical Adventure to the Pacific Northwest
Our trip to Seattle and Portland started last Saturday in Seattle. Melissa, Barbara, and I arrived in the early afternoon and started at the Seattle Gift Show as work recon for Salty. After that we headed straight to Pike Place Market for food. After wandering the streets we ended up at a place called the Pink Door which was in an alley somewhere with a secret unmarked door. If you ever go, get the god damn lasagna because it will knock your socks right off. We continued down the alley and found another little bar where we probably ended up doing some jaeger shots. From there we headed to some place inside Pike Place with kick ass pizza and a dance party downstairs. Here are some fuzzy in my mind images from that night.
The next day we tried to drive to the Oregon coast from Seattle but the roads got really shitty so we turned back and headed to Portland to see my dear friend Josh. We got there and went straight to dinner at one of my favorite places. Edgefield in Troutdale is awesome. I recommend you go there now. Josh’s girlfriend katie met us there and we had tasty beer then headed to the winery where Josh and I tried about 76 different wines. After being fully wined up we headed for Josh’s house to unpack, unwind, and make friends with the hammock we would soon be sleeping in. Before that, there were times had. Here are some (possibly incriminating) photos.
Things for the next 3 days went the same, shopping, walking, eating, drinking, and laughing.
The following sequence of photos shows a train ride in which we were asked if we were commies because of the star on Melissas beer box.
And now for some random shots of the 5 of us in or amongst Portland…
Early Thursday morning we said good bye to Josh and Katie and headed for Seattle. We had flights to catch home. We drove through a big ass freak ice storm but made it to the airport on time. We left Barbara at the airport and headed into the city since our flight was 12 hours later than hers. We ended up in Pioneer Square in a little bar called Merchant Cafe. It was great and the bartender was awesome. Melissa enjoyed some IPAs and got slightly hammered and the man running the music was very thrown off when she screamed DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER. Here is her having an awesome time…
While we were here Barbara called to say all flights were cancelled and we were going to be stuck in Seattle for 2 more days. We were not crushed at this news. We gave Barbara some directions and pointed her toward the train so she could meet us. After getting all our flights figured we headed to a hotel to hole up for the next couple days. That night we were so tired we just stayed in ate pizza and passed out. The next day we went exploring to find handmade shops. We also found a really cute shop cat.
Our last night in Seattle we went out with a pretty large bang. We started off in the super hidden super tiny Bathtub Gin & Co. They had excellent cocktails and quite tasty absinthe. Barbara decided she wanted to go dance somewhere and yelled to Melissa what may be my favorite quote of the trip “girl do you want to cut a rub or do you not want to cut a fucking rug? Cause I wanna cut a damn rug!” We went to a arcade bar next where we played Radiohead and Sublime and sang loudly until the glares let us know it was time to get out. We found some kind of techno crazy ass club and begged the DJ (lovingly renamed Shaquille O’DJ by me) to play Hypnotize by Biggie. He did not. The ending was rough my friends. As seen in the photos below. ROUGH.
And now I gift you with this dance from Josh to all of you.
Bad Sex…according to someone on the internet. And me.
I came across this list of “lousy lovers to avoid” on the internet.
1. The Leg Humper. In high school, I remember dry-humping being the pinnacle of awesomeness. Nights on the couch “watching a movie” ruled. However, once actual penetration was achieved, dry-humping went by the wayside. For good reason. Dry-humping is NOT better than actual sex. Ever.
Has this happened to anyone? Who the fuck is trying to hump a leg? Did a 14 year old write this article?
2. The Minute-Man. Okay, so don’t get all up in arms at me about this one. It happens. It’s flattering … until it’s not. If every time we get naked, it takes me more time to remove my bra than to complete sex, something’s got to give.
I guess this one is on. I’ve had this guy and it’s annoying as shit. After awhile you know it’s not just that you’re super hot or have a really awesome vagina it’s just that you’re dating a huge loser and you’re probably that only one dumb enough to have ever had sex with him.
3. The Jack Rabbit. I’ve (unfortunately) seen rabbits have sex. The look on the female rabbit’s face is always a mixture of shame and embarrassment, like, “How did I GET myself into this situation?” Which neatly sums up what it’s like to have sex with a Jack Rabbit.
I saw this guy on Sex and the City once but I’ve never had or heard about anyone having this guy. Also don’t you have to do this in a missionary way? I don’t think people do that postion anymore. This ain’t the 50′s, girls are on top now.
4. The Pushy Lover. It really DOES suck when you’re all ready to get down and dirty and your partner decides that they’re not in the mood. Been there. However, begging, pleading, and downright groveling for sex is not only not hot, it’s embarrassing. For both of us.
JESUS CHRIST. This is the worst. You have to be SLICK men. You have to get your lady into without her knowing you’re trying to get her into it. Pulling her hand to your boner isn’t attractive.
5. The Lazy Boy. Now, I don’t always need hours of foreplay to get in the mood, but if you just want to be in and out every single time, well, you can be in and out somewhere else.
Are the lazy or clueless? If I was a man I would probably be freaked out at the prospect of having to please a lady. Woman are like god damn combination locks. Not like one on your locker but like on a vault of diamonds. That shit is not easy to figure out. I forget my own combination all the time.
6. The Selfish One. There’s nothing I like post-sexin’ than to roll over and take a nap. However, if I haven’t actually climaxed and you roll over and go to sleep without a word? It’s time to roll right on over and out of my bed.
See this guy would not be able to go to sleep in my bed because no way jose, I am too damn old and wise to be tricked into giving you a blow job with out anything in return. If you have an orgasm you better bet your ass you’re staying awake to figure out my combination.
Things I’ll NEVER Understand about Men
Men are amazingly simple creatures that I just can’t seem to “get”.
1. Why are you being fooled by a bartender with a low cut shirt? You are literally giving a woman money for having boobs and letting you look at them. You can do that for free. Also, she does not like you.
2. Why do you insist on peeing on the floor? The toilet is right there. Are you not holding on and just doing a piss dance? Come on.
3. Why do you have to tell your girl about the shit you just took?
Hey Girl
See Ya 2011
Obligatory recap of the year…
I keep thinking of all the shitty things that happened but then I started to remember the cool things and it’s really starting to seem like 2011 wasn’t the monster I make it out to be.
While Salty was closed for relocation I got to spend most of last winter just hanging out with my raggedy kids watching movies in bed on the weekends and it was awesome. Then Melissa and I moved Salty into a bigger, better space and have found a great new neighborhood for our little shop. I purged relationships that were no longer good and made a lot of great new friends. I was able to go visit with my awesome friends in LA a few times as well. A bunch of stores picked up my shitty greeting card line. I got to do lots of letterpressing for cool people, and a little for myself. I discovered Titos Vodka which has also made me happy many times. oooh and the kills. I got to see the kills for the first time and it kicked ass.
So I’ll just think of all the good things that happened this year and let all the things that were shitty slide away.
2012 is going to start off awesome, I get to go visit one of my favorite cities, with one of my favorite girls and get to see one of my favorite boys. YAY Portland, Melissa, and Joshy! After that I get to come home and go to NYC to see the Kills with one of my new favorite girls! YAY NYC, Jocelynn and Alison Mosshart!
My hope is that we all forget the bad, remember the good, and welcome what’s to come. Here’s to a good new year.
(this post is so fucking sappy that even I want to puke)
Mother Fuckin Public Relations
If I ever found myself in need of a PR guy I would hire Andrew Samtoy. He sent this to me this morning. He’s a real stinker.
I’ve long been scared of Candra Squire.
The first interaction I had with her was when I ordered a card of hers. Days and days later, after the party at which I wanted to present it to the host, she finally sent it to me; she’d been on vacation, she said, and was sorry, so she sent me a few extra cards to make up for it. The idea that someone could just up and go away on vacation like that was impressive, but also I was scared that I cared that much about getting a card from her. Then, a month or so later, I saw that she was presenting at Pecha Kucha at the House of Blues, so I went to see her. I sat in the front row and at one point my girlfriend at the time told me to be quiet because I was laughing so hard that it was embarrassing her. Candra was brilliant and hilarious and I bought something from her husband – a pin? Another card? – after the show on an impulse buy and vowed to do my own Pecha Kucha presentation someday, when I had something good to talk about. Until then, though, she was this incredibly creative card maker and comedian and I thought of her in the same way teenagers think about celebrities, which, of course, she kind of is, in a way.
I just realized that maybe I’m trying to be Candra Squire?
Dad and the Ukrainian
While at a graduation party this weekend I had the pleasure of witnessing this conversation between my dad and my cousins 18 year old Ukrainian friend.
Dad: Hey Im Mike, what’s your name?
Kid: blah blah blah (cause I don’t remember his name)
Dad: How long have you been here?
Kid: 6 months
Dad: You’re not going to blow up our country are you?
Kid: Laughs. I don’t think so.
Dad: Im just kidding, go smoke some dope.
Kid: Thank you.
Fucking Jack Off….literally
Yesterday was quite traumatizing.
At 12:45 pm a really strange man walked into Salty and announced loudly “I’m just looking!”, which was weird in itself. I actually sent Bill a text saying I had a real weirdo in the store. He was probably later 50′s, sort of slow looking, shuffling around using a cane and looking around the store with his giant thick ass glasses and lazy eye. Around the same time another guy walked in and was looking around as well. After about 10 mins the normal dude left the store leaving me all alone with Creepy Mcgee. I was sitting at the Salty desk working on entering in sales and he was standing 2 tables away from me. Next thing I know he’s standing next to me. He started to make small talk, weather, the neighborhood, then he asked what time I closed which didn’t seem scary until later. As we were talking I happened to look down to see his penis hanging out of his pants and dripping. My first thought was he must be retarded and unaware his business is out. He quickly left the store after I noticed this. As he walked in, a girl who works in the neighborhood stopped by for a chat and as I was trying to explain what I had seen I looked over to where he was standing and realized that he must have been jacking off while we were talking and I didn’t know because he left a whole god damn deposit on my floor.
That poor girl witnessed a complete Candra Squire MELTTHEFUCKDOWN. I was beyond freaked out and after the freak out came the terrified stage. I know it seems like jacking off isn’t that big of a deal but it totally feels invasive, violent, and threatening. It reminded me how vulnerable I really am. I wouldn’t have been able to fight that guy off if he would have tried to attack me, or any man for that matter- and that’s not an easy thing to think about. I’m sort of afraid to be alone now and that sucks.
I filed a report with the police and they most likely won’t find the dude right away but I think they will eventually because there is no way this was that guys first or last time. I hope the next time he does it someone takes that cane out of his dirty hand and shoves it right up his butt and while that’s happening I also hope a dirty bum comes in and jacks off all over his face.
